No Steps, Just Sobriety

My Unconventional Path to Freedom

My name is Ryan Dawley, and I was an alcoholic. This is the story of how I found freedom from a life that was slowly destroying me

I say I “was” an alcoholic because I no longer crave alcohol. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it anymore. Some people say “once an addict, always an addict.” I simply don’t believe that. Recovering from addiction is a wild journey, and everyone’s is different. Mine started 5 years, 4 months, and 22 days ago.

Let’s start with my journey to alcoholism. My very first drink was at midnight on my 21st birthday. My friend who bought it for me said, “don’t smell it, just slam it.” So I did. It was a double shot of tequila. I could feel my face turn red, and it exploded in my chest like a bomb. I have never felt that sensation. I kind of loved it.

I wasn’t always an alcoholic. I drank socially with my buddies, mostly. Of course, I would occasionally have a bit too much, but I was always in control.

My addiction began in 2015, but at the time, it felt less like a slippery slope and more like the ultimate dream. I was living in the vibrant chaos of Hong Kong, working as a drama teacher by day, and singing with my band, Jack Rabbit Slim, by night. The beers and booze flowed freely at every gig and the crowds were incredible. It was exhilarating. I was living what I believed was the quintessential rock-and-roll lifestyle.

After one of our sets, a woman approached me. She introduced herself as a singer at a hotel in the city, and then dropped a bombshell: her agency was looking for singers to travel with bands in 5-star hotels all over Asia and the Middle East. My immediate thought was, “I could get paid to do this? Sign me up!”

What I didn't fully grasp then was that this incredible opportunity came with a very potent perk: an open bar, every single night. Wealthy hotel guests wanted to drink with the band, and we never said no. For the next five years, what started as a perk slowly turned into drinking for a living, a habit I quickly told myself was all part of the gig

Eventually, I started drinking before the show just to loosen up. Then at lunch. Then all day…and all night. I told myself I was still in control, but I wasn’t. Alcohol had taken over.

It was at it’s worst in 2019. My life had become a series of blackouts and near-disasters, culminating in moments like these…

I nearly got arrested in Singapore for going up to the room I used to live in while performing at this particular hotel, trying to enter with my credit card, thinking it was a key card, then passing out in the hallway. Didn’t remember a thing the next day.

I did get arrested at an NFL game. It was my bachelor party. I started drinking at 6am. By kickoff at 1:00, I was already gone. At some point during the game, I got up to go to the bathroom. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed to a bar in the stadium holding cell. I had no idea why.

Then came my wedding night in Singapore. Everything was perfect. I had friends fly in from Hong Kong and Australia. It was a beautiful night. Until the after party. My wife and I both had far too much to drink. We got in an argument on the way back to the hotel, and continued the argument as we got ready for bed. I don’t remember any of this, but I said some unforgivable things. And she never forgave me. My marriage was pretty much over before it began.

About a month after my wedding night, I tried to hit reset. I started a new job in Phuket, Thailand, leading a band and all entertainment at a new outdoor resort. The place was beautiful, with stunning views, and for a moment, it felt like a fresh start.

But the reality of my addiction quickly overshadowed the paradise. The beers were so cheap, almost laughably so, which only fueled the fire. What began as a new opportunity quickly devolved into the familiar, terrifying cycle. Drinking all day…and all night. The beautiful scenery blurred into a relentless haze as 'blacking out' became my constant companion, 'forgetting everything' the painful new normal. I was living in a constant state of void, not remembering a thing the next day. Even in this idyllic setting, the alcohol had taken over completely, just as it had before

I knew I had to stop, I just didn’t know how.

It was March 6, 2020, when the bass player in my band offered me a beer before our first set. He was absolutely stunned when I said, “No, thanks, I think I’m done.”

It just came out of my mouth. I knew it was time. I didn’t go through a 12-step program, or have a sponsor. I just quit.

The global landscape shifted dramatically with COVID-19, and just as I was finding my footing in newfound sobriety, I was forced to move back home to Erie, PA. This unexpected relocation presented a fresh set of challenges for my nascent journey, but it also led to a crucial discovery. To curb the persistent cravings that still occasionally emerged, I delved into the world of NA (non-alcoholic) beer options and quickly found some really great ones. These became a vital tool in maintaining my spontaneous decision to quit.

During that time, I often reflected on why I made that spontaneous decision to quit. My journey wasn't about hitting a dramatic rock bottom, but a profound realization that I simply wanted better. Better for myself and for the people that cared about me.

I wanted to remember my nights, to truly be present in my own life, and to wake up feeling good in the morning. More than anything, I wanted to stop the self-destructive cycle of arrests and the devastation of ruined relationships. Today, I live that life. I feel a million times better than I ever did during those years I spent tearing myself apart (minus the Parkinson’s…but that’s another story).

Through my journey, I've discovered that it's entirely possible to navigate social situations and be around alcohol without needing or wanting it. My path to sobriety, though unique, has shown me that true freedom comes from within.

If you're struggling, just know this: you don't need to do it perfectly. You just need to want it. And once that desire takes root, you will find your own way forward. One decision at a time.

Remember those cravings? I don’t get them anymore.

I think that means I win.

---

Ryan Dawley